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September 15, 2004

Take advantage of the polar unicorn

A letter to editor which ran today in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Arkansas's largest daily paper:

With the world facing the ultimate energy crisis, it is time to take advantage of the unique attributes of the polar unicorn, Unicorniceae arcticus. Though not widely known, the direction of the metabolic chemical processes is revered in the polar unicorn.

Whereas all other animals oxidize food to produce carbon dioxide, water and energy, the polar unicorn extracts carbon dioxide and water from the air and converts it to carbohydrates using cold fusion energy. This makes it possible for this shy animal to flourish in areas that provide no conventional feed. As they don't have to compete with other animals for food, barren stretches of polar regions provide an ideal habitat for them. As seals are much easier prey than galloping equines, unicorns are seldom eaten by polar bears.

I am urging the funding of a bipartisan crash program aimed at using these animals as a source of energy. The more CO2 in the air, the more nutritious it is for the polar unicorn. Other members of the horse family are used for power, so it would seem reasonable to expect them to be easily domesticated. Not only could they be used for transportation, but millions of them could be put on treadmills, generating electricity without need to pay for any fuel or feed.

Polar unicorns are perhaps our most plausible solution to oil depletion and global warming.

DON HIRSCHBERG

Horseshoe Bend

It ran under the headline: "Take advantage of the polar unicorn" but in my view it should have been "The editor of this paper is a dumbass"

Posted by Drew at September 15, 2004 04:39 PM

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