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November 10, 2004
I hate The Polar Express
Of late, we've all gotten to hear a great deal about the magical world created by CGI in the new film The Polar Express. I have not seen this movie and yet I feel completely comfortable passing judgement on it: it is terrible.
"But, Drew," you say, "Even you, the worst, most evil person in the world (and suspected terrorist/communist) must understand that Christmas is a time for celebrating childhood and innocence! I hate you! You ruined Christmas!"
While I may have ruined Christmas in the past and will probably do so again in the future, I want to be very clear: that was because I was drunk, high and/or coked out of my mind, NOT because I don't love Christmas!
My complaint? Why, oh why, must they ruin that book?! I love that book! I know it's a little late to start complaining about the commercialization of the holidays, but is nothing sacred?! Build a Wal-mart in Bethlem, sure. Sell Dress-me-Up Jesus at Toys'R'Us, ok. But get your God damn CGI hands off of The Polar Express! And Tom Hanks!?! You think TOM HANKS is supposed to make me feel better!!??!! THAT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE!!! (see picture: Tom Hanks stained with the blood of children)
Let me put it bluntly: this Christmas horror makes me want to be Jewish. If you want me to remain a Christian in God's good and saving Grace, I encourage you to boycott this movie. Otherwise, it's dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, here I come
Posted by Drew at November 10, 2004 08:45 PM
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Comments
I would just like to point out that those of us who don't work in middle schools haven't heard all that much about this movie. Now, I'm sure you're perfectly right about how evil it is and all, I'm just saying...my knowledge of the polar express movie is pretty much limited to the two sentence review I heard on the radio this morning.
Posted by: Christina at November 11, 2004 05:03 PM
I, too, am tired of the publicity storm. I've seen like a billion commercials, and Tom Hanks is showing up everywhere to promote it (he was suddenly a Red Sox fan for the series... hmmm).
Christina rocks though, b/c she got me opera tix, so I shouldn't disagree with her.
Posted by: dan at November 11, 2004 10:01 PM
Did no one notice my carefully photoshopped graphic? I expected it to take the Internet(s) by storm!
Posted by: drew at November 11, 2004 10:09 PM
Oh my god ... YOU photoshopped that graphic? I just thought you'd found it somewhere (also, I thought the baby eating stopped after the election ...)
Posted by: Anna at November 12, 2004 07:42 AM
From EW's review (Grade = C+)
But what happens when a book's perfection is poised on the merest wisp of a tale in the first place? If The Polar Express, now tootling through theaters on a holiday timetable, followed the precise route of the well-loved Chris Van Allsburg picture-book classic on which it's based, the trip would be short indeed: The book's cozy-eerie journey does run express, a blink-of-an-eye fairy tale told through the mood of Van Allsburg's soft, dark, wordless, dream-smudged oil paintings, with no need to make local stops through such earthbound literary requirements as conflict, character development, and dialogue.
The movie's practical, if less satisfyingly haunting solution, then, is to add feature-style complication to the plot and Tom Hanks to the showbiz quotient. In director Robert Zemeckis' intricate, exploratory, indefinably askew interpretation, Hanks provides voice and body movement (morphed by intricate ''performance capture'' technology into digital animation) to five roles, although not all of them exist in the book. (The character of the train's avuncular conductor, who looks the most Hanks-like on screen and most fully approximates the star's persona, was never even pictured on the page.) And the screenplay, by Zemeckis and William Broyles Jr., plumps Van Allsburg's simple fable about the purity of childhood faith in what can't be seen with all sorts of wholly invented characters, complications, and declarations. Due, perhaps, to drops in the barometric pressure of the zeitgeist, the script also switches the attitude of the hero boy (Hanks again), whose Christmas Eve adventure this is, from that of a believer in Santa Claus to a nonbeliever before his round-trip commute to the North Pole.
On Zemeckis' turbocharged Polar Express, a magical, ghostly hobo rides the top of the train, the hero boy is joined by a few all-sorts travel mates, and waiters burst into song and dance as they serve hot cocoa. And if the children and elves and Santa, too, look slightly unnerving with their pod-people eyes, well, I only wish there were more of the disorienting more of the silently, hypnotically Van Allsburgian and less of the flat, linear, polished, technical brilliance with which this big-ticket vehicle runs its route.
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