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March 26, 2005
To Hell and Back: My Trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas
Oh, gentle readers! I am almost afraid to relate to you the chilling tale of the past two days. Aware as I am that most of you visit this site to escape the pointless tedium of your own existence, I worry lest I should burden you with more psychic baggage than you are already carrying around, most of you loaded already well past the breaking point. Nevertheless, the story of my journey to Hot Springs, Arkansas must be told if only as a cautionary tale to anyone so foolish as to approach this sordid town of perversion and despair. Children, get thee to bed! Ladies, avert your eyes! My narrative is not for the faint of heart!
Like any good gothic misadventure, it all started simply enough. After returning from the rainy, wonderful, expensive Bay Area where I visited with my brother Rob and sister-in-law Catherine, my so-called "friends" Hannah and Kelly invited me to stay with them in the sleepy mountain hamlet of Hot Springs.
Hot Springs is known throughout the civilized world as the boyhood home of one William Jefferson Clinton, the last occupant of the Oval Office to be able to tie his own shoes without assistance. "What a lark!" I thought. "Any town which produced Mr. Clinton must surely be good for a few days of harmless enjoyment." Oh, how wrong I was.
I arrived late Wednesday night. Thursday morning was balmy and clear, the pleasantness of the weather hiding the gathering horrors of the afternoon. We went for a hike. We ate some ice cream. We took a tour of a bath house.
"Bath house?" I hear you mutter. "I thought they shut those down in the late eighties. I'd better reread that Larry Kramer book." No, dear readers, it's not that kind of bath house. It's much, much worse.
Hot Springs, you may have reasoned, is named after hot mineral springs in the hills above town. In Iceland, geothermally heated water is used to provided inexpensive, ecologically responsible heat and energy for entire villages. In America it is collected and sold to the wealthy. Hot Springs developed a thriving economy by offering a full course of mineral baths to the idle rich beginning in the late 19th century, and by complimenting this regimen with a wide variety of casinos and whorehouses. Sadly, today, only the baths remain.
Kelly, a woman I up until this point considered to be of sound mind, insisted that we all sign up to take a bath. She had visited the baths before, and, foolishly, I agreed.
After a fine morning, we went to a hotel, the ornate lobby of which gave no hint of the horrors within. Upstairs we checked in and were each given a loffa, or handheld sponge/torture device. Hannah and Kelly were sent in one direction, I in the other.
I can not describe the facilities other than to say that One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest may well have been filmed on this very location. After being given an opportunity to review last year's issue of Psychology Today, I was greeted by my attendant, Matt, who told me to "take off your clothes and put on this towel."
I should pause here to explain that I may, perhaps, have some body image issues. "What?" you gasp. "How could you have body image issues? You don't weigh too much! You have the kind of physique anorexic super models can only dream of. Your skinny little chicken arms and sunken chest reveal you to be the post-college equivalent of a 98 pound . . ." And suddenly it all becomes clear.
After stripping down, I put on the towel, a kind of velcro skirt clearly designed for a man rather more rotund than myself. I was given a locker and a key on a rubber band, thus doubling the articles of "clothing" on my body. I was brought to a half filled bathtub in a semi-enclosed cubicle.
"Put your towel here and get in the tub," Matt said.
"Urp," I responded.
I try to be a "with-it" guy so into the tub I went. I did not expect, however, that my, when-in-Rome attitude would actually extend to being washed by a servant. Yes, there I lay, prone and naked in the bathtub as an elderly black man scrubbed my back and legs. I'm not sure exactly what kind of conversation is appropriate at time like this. Perhaps I should have inquired as to his life or family, but instead I opted for stunned, horrified silence.
My joy at the cessation of my washing can hardly be overstated. Matt told my to relax and that he would be back to get me in "fifteen to twenty minutes." He flipped the switch of an electric pump that shot water around the tub Jacuzzi style. I have no reason to believe that he would lie about such a thing as how long he would be gone, but I have to imagine that in reality I was left in the tub for a period closer to three or four hours. Luckily, I had plenty of things to do. For instance, I could wonder whether or not it was possible to redirect the jets away from my nether regions without managing to electrocute myself and thus meet death in the single more humiliating manner I can imagine. Oh, the pleasure!
Adding to the surrealism of the experience, the clock above the tub was, in a cruel twist of fate, broken, causing it to twitch meaningfully without actually moving forward. The effect was to increase the impression that all my sins had finally caught up with me and I was trapped in Hades for all eternity.
Eventually, Matt came to rescue me. I bound out of the tub and back into my towel with an intensity which seemed to frighten him. He asked if I had any "aches or pains."
"No, I don't," I shouted. "And I certainly don't need to be touched again!"
He proposed that I visit the sauna, and I accepted. For five minutes, I was blissfully alone and clothed. Sadly, my sweaty solitude could not last forever, and soon Matt was back telling me to lie on a "cooling board" and allow myself to be wrapped in a sheet. The sensation was, I imagine, something akin to what one would experience in a morgue, only without the sweet mercy of death. When the gentleman next to me told Matt he needed a few more minutes to cool down, I informed him that I, on the other hand, would be only too happy to move another step closer to my eventual release.
This was not a good idea.
The next step was to be a cool shower. To some of you this may seem like a relatively painless procedure, but that is only because you have never had to misfortune to experience the Edwardian torture device that is the "needle shower."
On our tour earlier in the day, we had seen a sample of this contraption: a shower surrounded with pipes, all of which shoot water at the body from a different angle. I remarked that it looked like the kind of shower enjoyed by Tim Burton, but Kelly assured me that it actually felt quite nice. In retrospect, one can only conclude that Kelly's level of masochism would turn the stomach of the Marquise de Sade himself.
Once out of my towel (again) I was forced into a stall in which ice cold needle of water were shot into my flesh with force enough to cut steel. Some parts of the body, in case you were wondering, do not enjoy being so violently assaulted, but the nightmare machine knows no mercy.
By the time Matt came to rescue me I was near tears. All I wanted was my pathetic, too big towel but that was obviously not an option. Instead I was greeted with one final, crowning indignity. I was directed to another bench, sat naked upon it, and hand dried. I managed to seize a nearby towel and began to wipe myself in a frantic and doomed effort to dry the rest of my body while Matt was still occupied with my hair and back. I failed, and as such learned that the two scariest words in the English language are "legs up."
When the last of my pride had been stripped away, I ran back to my locker, throwing my clothes on with scant regard to fronts and backs or even insides and outs. I had only two things on my mind: the presence of the hotel bar in the lobby and the vast, vast amount of alcohol I would have to consume before I could again look in a mirror.
Although I didn't really believe that the pleasure of getting drunk by oneself in the daytime would actually undo my bath house experience, I was determined give it my best effort. The bartender was extremely helpful in my attempt, and by the time Kelly and Hannah emerged from the elevator looking clean and relaxed I was passing the point of no return.
Visiting the baths was an experience that could politely be called "unique." I understand how, seventy five years ago, important men used to being waited upon could sit in the tubs, chomp on cigars, and conduct business with equally high power associates. Even now I know that plenty of people visit spas and get massages all the time. Perhaps that kind of pampering just isn't my style -- give me a comfortable chair and a good book any time -- but I think the baths of Hot Springs are a qualitatively different experience from a typical visit to a hot tub or masseuse. Never, the entire time I was there, did I feel I was getting the attention of a trained pseudo-medical professional: I felt like I was getting scrubbed down by a servant. Like a ride in a rickshaw, the experience may be worth having, but it's not one that can ever really be comfortable. Nor is it one I'm in a rush to repeat. At least, I don't think so.
The next morning, as I retched into the hotel room toilet, I had time to reconsider the entire ordeal. The nakedness, the scrubbing, the unfortunately placed jets. My head was pounding, my body ached and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the thing to do would be to have a nice long soak in the tub.
Posted by Drew at March 26, 2005 11:29 PM
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Comments
Oh, Drew.
This all reminds me of going to get my haircut in China and being taken to a back room for my massage (?!?!). Turns out just nodding when they ask you things you don't understand isn't a good idea.
Posted by: dan at March 28, 2005 09:42 AM
I would just like to point out a few things:
I am not a masochist.
I am not a princess.
Drew exaggerates greatly.
Drew was intitally very excited about the adventure.
Drew has odd responses to not-that-odd situations.
Drew is a big baby.
Drew can consume massive quantities of alcohol.
Drew can be affectionate after doing so.
Posted by: Kelly at March 28, 2005 03:08 PM
I would like to refute a few of those points, but after careful reflection I find I can not.
Posted by: drew at March 28, 2005 09:17 PM
I can't believe you were in the Bay Area and you didn't call me! Did you see any theater?
Posted by: Annie at March 29, 2005 02:56 AM
drew, on the upside, they spoke english. i think i had the same experience in syria (where my toddler-level arabic skills helped me discern that tatoos are considered the mark of the devil. my mom was right!) on the upside, it was the best exfoliation i've ever had, and now, three years later, i'm ashamed to be seeking out the same thing again, since i lack the ability to crawl out of my own skin, and am in need of some serious sloughing.
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