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June 22, 2006
So pretty . . .
Posted by Drew at 07:43 AM
June 17, 2006
What Ready.gov doesn't tell you
Tonight I watched Shaun of the Dead, an excellent movie which brought to my attention a threat of which I was previously unaware: zombie attack.
I don't spend much time worrying about nuclear or chemical attacks on Washington, for the simple reason that by virtue of living so close to the Capitol, I'm pretty well doomed in either case. But massive zombie attack is something I hadn't given much thought to. Until now.
I'm afraid to report that in the event that the reanimated corpses of my neighbors ever seek to devour my stringy, flavorless flesh, I would be woefully unprepared to defend myself. I was never one of those guys who bought the swords that they sell in chinatown and in fantasy catalogues. Heck, I don't even own a baseball bat. A cursory inspection of my appartment reveals a single cast-iron pan to be the only weighty, swingable object immediatly available. (Ironically, judging by my cooking skills, the pot is also the most dangerous weapon I own in a non-zombie situation.)
Then there's the question of location. If Zombies can climb, we're toast. Our back balcony has wrought iron columns that are perfect for climbing by by roommates who have forgotten their keys and by hordes of the undead. If zombies maintain even rudimentary climbing skills, it won't be long until my organs are being feasted upon.
If zombies can't climb, however, our place is practically perfect. There's only one entry to the appartment: a solid door at the top of a set of stairs. If we pushed some furniture up against it, I don't think the zombies would have the leverage to break it down. There are plenty of windows for observing the damned below, and, as I mentioned, the balcony from which we could signal for help.
In the best case scenario, we could survive the zombie attack almost indefinitely. Or at least until we ran out of food, which on any given day would probably take no longer then 24 hours.
While I can't guarantee your safe arrival at my appartment, I want you to know that, come doomsday, you're all welcome to chill here for a while until the army comes in to restore order. If it's possible, though, please bring a gun with you when you arrive. Or at least a larger pan.
Posted by Drew at 12:26 AM | Comments (3)